It wasn’t until my last ecounter . . . a “friend” who was a white male, someone I trusted, someone I truly believed in (his kids were just SO damn cute, wish I could see them again), someone with community power . . . (alert: BITTERNESS!) someone who threw me under the fucking bus when I wasn’t of use to him, when I didn’t feed his narcissism, when I started being “too black” . .(whatever that means)

DISCRIMINATION

this is the 4th time that I can recall . . . 1st in Chicago, 2nd in New York, 3rd in New York, last one: Chicago. Hey white friends! Do you know what that feels like?

Sorry. I’m candid AF — like our former president: TRUMP (no, I do not support him lol)

And let me tell you . . . my eyes have never been as open, as they are now. Meaning . . . my fear of white people. What’s that movie? “I see dead people.” That scary movie, horror film. Nevertheless, this is how I’m feeling.

“I see white people.” (in a whisper)

Now, don’t get your panties in a bunch. I’m not a racist. Black people can’t be racist btw. If you weren’t aware. And if you are confused . . . ask one. A black person ...ask a black person why it’s not possible.

Back to the subject: Being scared of white people. You may be asking what prompted this article. Well . . . my former assistant posted something that “hit my heart hard” on IG and the tears started streaming. Why?

[White men continue to win.] It’s not just when cops are killing black men . . . they are also killing us in business. Meaning . . . if their fragile ego is challenged, they will indeed drop you like a hat & they don’t give a shit! BUT they have privilege, so they continue to win. Accountability? ahaha I laugh because everyone around them just wants to keep their jobs (aka not having a backbone to speak up to a higher power or THEY also have privilege)

White people scare me.

For yearrrrrrrsssssss, I thought I had a true support system UNTIL shit hit the fan and no one wanted to be involved or be bothered. Do you guys know that THIS is the reason I’m writing. THIS is how I cope. THIS is the reason I speak up . . . when others don’t. THIS is the reason why black people (WOMEN) are SO DAMN STRONG!

We’re tired. We have to be because . . .

NO ONE SPEAKS UP FOR US!

Only if we are bithces OR boujie OR popular OR celebrity . . . we get your attention.

White people scare me.

Some white people gave up on me because I wasn’t like them. They were too fragile to hear the things that I had to say. I was always seen as less than …Where I wasn’t supposed to feel a certain type of way nor have feelings at all. And would I receive an apology? HELL NO!

Privilege.

I never used to be afraid of white people…until now.

The older I get and the more bad experiences I have with white…it makes me afraid to be me. It causes me to shut down, to be even more guarded. The bad experiences I’ve had…whether it be with trusting the wrong person — betrayal, having high expectations of those I once trusted — just “uneducated” and naive.

…makes me wanna know what’s going on inside their heads, wanting to know and experience how they grew up and what their day-to-day looks like…”- in the life of a white person.” (definitely a Hulu Original lol) — the ones who are carefree and practice Ellen’s mantra: Be Kind to one another. The ones who are stable, don’t have to worry about anything, the privilege, with Non-profit Boards, an enormous amount of support… money! Oh! and the MANIPULATION . . . they never understand how that’s happening.

They are never alone.

Yea I am aware how white people go through challenges too BUT. . .

this is not an ALL LIVES MATTER situation.

The subject at hand gives way to MENTAL HEALTH…mine.

Ok. Back to my naivety . . .

I have TONS of white friends BUT when I look at the ones who have left me . . .

I am beyond devasted in this life . . . the majority is of a white ethnicity.

And no, I’m not complainin,’ I’m just sayin’ . . . “White is right and Black is wack” UNLESS

“Black gives you stacks but white gives you racks!”

What do I mean? Talent = Black and that’s all they see. But Ellen’s mantra doesn’t exclude the majority of “I don’t know how I can help” OR . . .

. . .

. . .

SILENCE.

You (white people) know HOW to help BUT it’s not a priority for you.

I remember when I THOUGHT I was making 2 NEW friends and was excited!!! Where are they now? NOT my 2 NEW friends. Why?

THEM: “ I’m not gonna talk to her anymore because I wanna keep my job. I feel for you though. — — — — That was outrageous!” This probably is their mindset.

. . . enough to stay as silent as a mouse.

So ATTENTION BLACK PEOPLE!!! What do we do when our guard is up and we are “scared of white people.” Here’s what we HAVE to do:

What’s the Broadway phrase: “Fake it till you make it!” Until you’re Snoop Dog and can openly share with the masses that you smoke weed with yo homies . . . you gotta-

act

like

them

What do I mean?

Well, it looks like I have to go back into: “Yes sir, no ma’am,” — BUT don’t be TOO silent . . . then you’re seen as having NEGATIVE energy.

THEY need to trust YOU, or wait until that big check comes in OR they (white people) have PROVEN that they’re down for the cause!

What cause is that?

Forgive me:

Figure it out!

In the meantime, I’m guared, fake and protecting myself. Happy for who? My POC, but especially my BLACK PEOPLE!

And I said what I said. :-| BUT I also don’t know who to trust and how I can trust anyone . . . white people. . . been let down too many times.

White people scare me.

moveDIPR Founder & Creative Director|Poet,Blogger, Writer| Dance Educator, movement artist|Mental Health Advocate & Dance Advocate for POC www.linktr.ee/diprJOI